cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
