my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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