I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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