do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
