why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
