I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
