do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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