You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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