and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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