We won't sleep together?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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