I cannot find my penis.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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