remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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