you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
