I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
