I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
