I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize