I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I wear drunk well.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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