saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
