haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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