What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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