How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
