I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
