I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
