I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize