so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
PANTIES FOUND
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
