Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
