Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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