I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
