my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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