remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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