I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
