my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize