no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
