I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
