umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
