If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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