I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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