I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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