Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
