I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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