first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
