I molested 6 butterflies tonight
grandma shit on top of the toilet
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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