Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i drank out of a bidet.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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