So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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