I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
