I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
