Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
