can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
