He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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