i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
