There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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