it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
