I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
