booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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