WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
